if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
