She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This is my gift to your gina
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
