Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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