I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
