I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
