Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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