drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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