I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
