Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
