Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
