Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Congratulations! We have a period
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