just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize