I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize