I just pynch a tree in the face
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
