im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
