So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
