There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
