I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
