I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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