Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize