I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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