i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She told me I should be a condom model.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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