I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
