Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize