careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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