the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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