After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
