I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
