Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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