Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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