1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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