if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
