Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
