I think I died a long time ago.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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