Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
