using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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