It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't deserve a penis
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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