shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
