go do what you do best...puke behind churches
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
