if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize