I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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