In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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