I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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