matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
