you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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