Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
