how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
