I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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