I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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