Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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