toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
either way he was missing a nipple.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize