I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
