After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
