My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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