did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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