i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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