don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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