You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
