can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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